Defensiveness vs authenticity

Only the crazy and the lonely can afford to be themselves. Loners have no one to please and the crazy don’t give a damn whether they please or not. Charles Bukowski

When was the last time you were criticised or attacked and said to yourself: wow, this person really cares about me? Our usual reaction is probably more to contradict, prove we are right or counter-attack.

We all hold a dear image of ourselves in our heads, even if unconsciously, that we’d do anything to protect. When faced with our flaws, we might fear rejection and abandonment and might get defensive when criticised or accused of something. Yet, we all crave to reveal ourselves as we are and still be accepted and worthy of love. How to balance the two? And how to express discontent without breaking emotional safety or causing irreparable damage to the relationship?

Why do we get defensive?

• Out of fear of being rejected or abandoned if we admit to our mistake or shortcomings.
• Our self-esteem or ego is at stake: we might think less of ourselves if we admit to the criticism. We cannot bear to be told what is wrong with us. We cannot be less than a ‘good girl’.
• Unfairness: how can you accuse me of this when you did or are doing the exact thing, or worse? Why do you project all these things on me when this is not who I am?
• Ultimatum: we might not like to be pressured into talking about something we are not ready to talk about or threatened with consequences. People don’t change when they are told what’s wrong with them or pressured, they do it when they feel supported enough to undertake the change they already know it’s due.
• Fatigue of being responsible for someone’s feelings and reactions: how is this my fault? Can’t you regulate your own emotions? I do it all the time.
• Trivialising the other’s reality / lack of empathy: how can it be so important to you when it is not for me or us, in the greater scheme of things?
• Our core beliefs about, attitude towards and experience with criticism and conflict. Does conflict and criticism make you not good enough or inappropriate? Did you get used to putting things under the rug just to maintain a calm atmosphere? Or on the contrary yell and shout to get your way? Are you used to always counterattacking to get your point across than be in a listening mode?
  • If I made a mistake I am a failure/ I will be rejected – this belief can be changed into If I made a mistake, this does not mean that I am a bad person unworthy of love, that the other thinks this, it is not a reflection of my character, value and worth, it’s just that my behaviour was incorrect temporarily but I can change it if my choices hurt the other.
  • Good/ smart / capable people do not make mistakes, so admitting to a mistake means you are not good / smart / capable.
  • I always have to be right – remember you won’t learn anything in life if you always need to be right.
  • Giving in means the other will control me – try to replace it with: I will not be diminished if I admit my mistakes, but will grow.
  • Conflict is bad – to be replaced with Conflict is an opportunity for growth, intimacy, mutual understanding.
• Assumptions about our interlocutor: they are a bad person who is after you to attack you instead of someone who wants the best for the relationship and you and is fighting for it in their imperfect way
• need to have the last word and prove ourselves. This might be the result of a childhood where we’ve been criticised a lot and no one gave us the benefit of the doubt, so if we admit to being wrong we lose face.
• A form of alexithymia, where we are unable to express our emotions, or just not used to soften into our vulnerability and speak from the heart. We may try to hide our true feelings deep inside.

NB: Sometimes defensiveness is justified. Pay attention to your interaction. Watch out for signs of abusive or pathological criticism eg over-jealous, over-controlling, over-demanding. We teach others how to respect us every day so it is important to set our limits. Consider if you are faced with irreparable incompatibility: this person will never understand your point of view no matter how hard you try, you are entitled to choose your environment and crowd for your peace of mind.

Why is defensiveness bad?

• We keep a closed mind and barrier to our partner’s truth so we are dishonest.
• Leaves the other person feeling misunderstood, unheard, frustrated, angry and resentful. Creates emotional distance.
• Keeps us from taking personal responsibility for our harmful choices, intentions and actions and makes it the other’s fault and problem.
• Keeps us from growing by ignoring our flaws and mistakes.
• It’s selfish and keeps us from putting our partner’s happiness above our own, which is what true love is all about.

How to de-escalate conflict

If in a sympathetic context and reassured, if there was emotional safety where we can be open and vulnerable, we would confess to what is broken within us. We actually want to admit to how broken we are and still feel worthy of love. There is a relief in AA meetings to finally say yes, I am an alcoholic, I am flawed, but I am here and I am trying.

What kind of language could you use so that the other one is less defensive? How to de-escalate when accusing or being accused? What plays a big role in the interaction?

• Choose timing and how you start carefully: for your relationship, your mutual growth, reassure of your love to fight the abandonment wounds eg I don’t want us to keep hurting each other, This will not change how I feel about you
• Create emotional safety by acting calmly to mistakes or lies at one end, and to criticism, at the other. This will create a pattern in your relationship and make it easier to have this type of conversation in the future. Accept both are flawed, the need to evolve. Be generous enough in our love so that our partner can admit when they are in the wrong.
• Voice  your emotions: it softens your interaction. We are less likely to attack someone who is hurt.
• See mistakes and criticism as an opportunity to grow, to talk about deeper problems of the relationships and not let them build up by avoiding talking and just being passive aggressive. The point about relationships is not being right or defeating an opponent, no prize to win, it’s about helping each other grow and evolve into the best version of ourselves.
• Accept that you are not the same, but have different needs eg you always want to hug me, I have no space, or you don’t hug me enough.
• Non-violent communication: express facts without judgment – voice my feelings – my need that’s not met – make a request – integrate the other’s feelings with empathy
• Sandwich technique: positive-negative-positive eg You know how much I care about you, but that time you hurt me, but I believe our relationship can become even stronger if we talk it through.
• Pay attention to your body, focus on the breathing. When attacked, there’s adrenaline, cortisol, stress hormones, etc. Calm down first: do not discuss when all worked up eg This is not a good time to talk.
• Empathy: if I say this, what will the other one be hearing?
• Avoid generalisations eg you always/ never – consider nuances: do they never do it or just not enough or too much compared to your preferred frequency?
• Figure out what we are trying to achieve, focus on solutions and set boundaries.
• Do not put labels, stick to the facts eg you are a liar vs you lied yesterday
• Acknowledge the validity of the criticism and make the other person feel seen by repeating what they said or acknowledging how they may feel eg I understand that this made you feel…
• Be accountable: what role did I play in creating the issue, making the other act this way? Both parties are responsible for maintaining the relationship by examining how their behavior impacts the other person.
• Think of the long-term effects of your accusing or defensive behaviour over that relationship before acting a certain way ie destroying emotional safety, breaking trust or connection.
• Do a self check and work on core beliefs (see above): how is my self-worth? how much do I love myself? The more we feel deep down that we are not enough, intrinsically bad, invisible, the more we are likely to project ill intentions onto our partners, whether they are the accuser or the accused.
• Stick to the issue at hand, without pointing fingers to past mistakes.
• Assume that the other is at least 10% right and explore their truth and what could come out of it instead of rejecting it altogether.
• Make a habit of welcoming, not blocking or contradicting opinions. In tense situations we move straight into auto-pilot, so make sure that welcoming muscle is strong. Be a Yes Man! Avoid language But how about when you…? This is ridiculous! I don’t think so. Use inviting language: I can see how you would feel that way because… I am listening, tell me more. There is some common ground here. The part I agree with is. Ask open ended question to show you are in listening mode: what did you mean by…?
• Accept that the other person’s opinions and feelings are valid for them, come from their own reality, they are about them and their needs, not about you, and that they do not come as an attack to the type of person you are so you do not have to justify yourself. All you need to do is just listen without judgment, without formulating counter-arguments or reasons behind the other person’s behaviour, try to understand them and focus on solutions. Do not jump into deciding how you feel about what they are saying.
• Accept duality: we can be both great and make mistakes, this does not make us less worthy or a bad person overall. Think of the various parts of your identity in your love life, at work, in your family, and embrace both the good and bad.
• Would you rather be right than loved? The price of always needing to be right is emotional distance. Even if you emerge from a disagreement feeling righteously satisfied, you may still need to address the rupture in your connection, or it will turn into distance and resentment.

Automatic responses do not change over night, but bringing self-awareness and an open heart goes a long way. So next time when you are triggered, what wil you (try to) do? What is one thing you can do today to improve your relationship?

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Tips from recovering perfectionists

‘If you are a good girl, then…’

From an early age, we might have been instilled the belief that we need to be better, or someone else, in order to be loved. There was something wrong with who we were. Maybe results were praised rather than effort. To avoid criticism and to be in control, we tried to be perfect, and before we knew it, we started living by some external standards. How do we know when it is perfect? Compared to someone else or something we created in our mind, a concept of the mind that keeps us trapped? Even when we reach what we want, we are still not satisfied.

Not all is bad about perfectionism. Perseverance to get it right or do it better has led to amazing results in all domains. Adaptive perfectionists are optimists that don’t stop in the face of failure, they have the best performance because they get better by failing and repeating and learning. It’s the maladaptive perfectionists that get overwhelmed or quit or become unproductive that are the problem.

Perfectionism stretches beyond how we look and what we do, our results. It also leads to expectations of how the world should be and behave. Some might call this idealism. If we expect people to treat us right, is that perfectionism or knowing our worth/ self-respect? Sense the difference between: You were supposed to treat me right and I am devastated you didn’t. The world is a terrible place. AND You didn’t treat me right, it makes me sad and I will walk away. The world doesn’t always act as I want and that is fine.

Being a perfectionist is not benefiting our lives in many ways. We are not authentic anymore, but hide from the world, then feel like an impostor. We gift ourselves to others via the image we create of ourselves so that we feel accepted, but we lose ourselves in the process.

Intimacy requires us to offer, and receive, authenticity and truth. Therefore, the ability to be in full possession of all aspects of ourselves— our “good” as well as our “bad,” our attractive as well as our unattractive qualities, our lightness as well as our darkness—is absolutely imperative for love. The capacity to be fully oneself is a necessity when it comes to creating love. Katherine Woodward Thomas

We may feel paralysis, anxiety and stress when starting something or making a choice. We may start procrastinating because of the fear of the outcome or the process. We lose our self-confidence, we are never good enough. We may become overwhelmed for no reason or for having too high goals. We may lose momentum: being too slow to react or initiate when the time is right because we are waiting for the perfect circumstances.

Perfection also hinders innovation. In innovation there is play with the unknown, risks. Edison did many experiments before inventing the lightbulb. When a reporter asked, “How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?” Edison replied, “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The lightbulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.”

Expectations on how relationships should be or how we should be in a relationship, persevering towards a false ideal, disconnecting from ourselves. We may not engage in a relationship fully: this is also a sign of having an avoidant attachment style and always looking for the one as an excuse to limit intimacy (need to come from a place we are committed to making it work, not from you haven’t done this and this right)

How to recover from perfectionism?

• notice thoughts and label them; reduce dichotomous thinking (good/ bad, black/ white) by introducing nuance (grey)
• analyse how perfectionism is not benefitting your life overall, what you are losing because of it, what life could be without it
• welcome everything: trust that everything is there to teach you something: It is in the nature of things to be drawn to the very experiences that will spoil our innocence, transform our lives, and give us necessary complexity and depth. Thomas Moore
• savour choices and endeavours: there is something positive in everything if you go from a growth perspective ie what is this going to teach me, rather than a black/white, good/bad perspective
• courage to fail, to lose things
• trust that good things emerge from co-creation or going with the flow: we do not always have to control our environment
• go for good enough and define what that means for you; experiment with how that feels
• who decides what is good enough anyway? move away from what others think; you are not that important, people have their own problems to deal with to worry about you
• speak gently to yourself: on a road of self-discovery/ growth there is no right or wrong, just becoming; failure becomes an illusion, work on your self-compassion
• grow your tolerance for the unknown to do great things rather than try to control the end result closely with all that we know: Man cannot discover new oceans until he has courage to lose sight of the shore
• focus on the process or the next step/imperfect action you can do towards your goal instead of on the end goal
• focus on what you could be doing with the time you saved by worrying less
• don’t project your expectations over others; cannot expect anything from others but we can enforce healthy boundaries
• attach less importance to being perfect or making the perfect choice: it’s just fucking boots
• trust that you took the best decision for that moment
• practice makes perfect 🙂 you never know when you might be one step away from greatness, you need to produce or repeat many times before; 70% of success is showing up consistently
• focus on the effort: what is one thing you were successful at today? in what area have you grown, what did you learn, smthg you have done with courage, etc. turn this into your go-to-bed meditation and celebration moment
• expand what contributes to your self-worth
• remember you will get to do more by investing less energy in a limited amount of things, your life will be richer

A return to self-worth

Painting by Lucian Soit

This year let’s forget about new year resolutions. Without a healthy sense of self-worth, we will procrastinate and let opportunities slip by. We will seek, attract or be attracted to unhealthy relationships, professional challenges that do not match our abilities and so on. Our decisions will be influenced by whether we believe we are valuable, deserve respect and good things.

“We believe we are seeking happiness in love, but what we are really after is familiarity. We are looking to re-create, within our adult relationships, the very feelings we knew so well in childhood and which were rarely limited to just tenderness and care. “ Alain de Botton, Course of Love

If our sense of familiarity identifies with situations where we were criticised or emotionally abused, how can we lead a life where we are worthy? We will seek, attract or be attracted to situations where we are not whole, where we will be end up being criticised or abused. I recommend reading the psychological novel Life Without Panties by Lorelei Moore https://www.amazon.com/Life-Without-Panties-Psychological-Thriller/dp/B0CPJBC3C7 where she beautifully portrays how childhood conditioning can keep us trapped in toxic relationships, and the painful journey back to self-worth. We will not show up authentically in relationships and when we are loved, we will doubt whether it is for who we are or because we created a fake persona who is lovable, but is not us. We will be subject to a cognitive bias where we attract situations that confirm that we are not lovable.

Equally, people who do not have a healthy sense of self-worth might experience what is called the impostor syndrome: they don’t believe they deserve to be loved and might end up locking up their partner in a cage out of jealousy so that he/she doesn’t see what they see.

When we start seeing our worth, we will find it harder to be around people who don’t. We will not put up with nasty behaviour, beg for love, linger in situations where we receive less than we deserve, etc.

We also need to reconnect with our essence of human beings, and not human doings: our self-worth is there for us regardless of our ability or external achievements.

“Self-esteem is like walking down the street like you own it. Self-worth is walking down the street and not caring who owns it.” John Niland, Self-Worth Safari 

John Niland encourages us to move away from this obsessive need for and almost addiction to external validation, to prove ourselves, that causes so much anxiety about not fulfilling our full potential. Instead, we should believe in our self-worth before others do and put ourselves to the service of others and the world instead of linger in self-preoccupation.

What does self-worth look like? People who feel worthy display a mix of the following:

• can take a compliment full heartedly and believe it’s true;
• not just confident, but generally kind to others;
• gentle self talk, with self-awareness and acceptance  of strengths and weaknesses;
• high standards reinforced by boundaries;
• integrity;
• generally feel loved and have more loving relationships;
• better collaborators and team players and leaders because not overly obsessed with proving themselves or jealous of others but rather valuing themselves;
• take self-loving decisions to take care of themselves;
• recover quicker from setbacks;
• more creative and entrepreneur because not so self-censored or afraid of failing;
• awareness of the impermanence of things like the sky who knows that both the clouds and rainbows will pass.

How to boost self-worth?

• say kind things to yourself in the mirror;
• cultivate positive affirmations like I am enough. I deserve to be enjoyed fully, in all that I am. 
• treat yourself like a good friend;
• list strengths and achievements;
• change your posture, do affirming and powerful moves, embody self-worth – your body affects your mind more than you think;
• take action, it will help no matter the result;
• give yourself a pat on the back for your effort, the things you did well and your learnings than focus only on the outcome;
• look at everything as an opportunity for growth, and at any failures as a First Attempt In Learning;
• set boundaries so that you do not feel that other people are running all over you;
• meditate to a soothing song to calm the mind;
• enjoy your uniqueness and drop comparison;
• be grateful for who you are and who you will grow to be;
• journal or write a letter of self-love;
• befriend your saboteur, those inner voices that criticise you;
• replace ‘must’ and ‘should’ with ‘could’;
• invest and try to thrive in several areas of your life that can help you counterbalance in case one fails, like a relationship or a job;
• use your strengths as often as you can and see how you can be useful to others and the world;
• focus on what truly matters when determining someone’s worth: how you treat others, your kindness, compassion, empathy, respect for others, and not your money, appearance, job or status;
• get to know yourself better, learn what you stand for and live more according to your values;
• be less preoccupied with self and more oriented externally as how to contribute to the world, be more interested than interesting;
• acknowledge that you have the power to influence what happens in your life with every decision;
• reparent yourself: regardless of your childhood and any absent or over-demanding parents, you still deserve the best and you can offer yourself all the unconditional love and care that maybe you didn’t get.

“I am the creator of my life not the manager of my circumstances.” Tony Robbins

What self-care/positive affirmations do you need to hear this year to support your self-worth? You can draw a charter of self-worth, like the one we did during a soul café with my online community Connection Weavers. What other tricks have worked for you?

How to recognise and end emotional abuse

M never thought it would happen to her, being someone rather firm, rational, independent, who has read quite a bit of psychology. But real life is so different from theory, especially when you are emotionally involved – or somewhat insecure. Emotional abuse is all about gaining control over a situation or a person. It leaves mental scars, not physical, so it is harder to spot. So how did M fall for it?

Her partner B was very charismatic, charming and sweet. He had a way with words, very polite and knew how to get people to do what he wanted. They had a lot of things in common and good chemistry. He was very thoughtful and catered to her needs, quick to hold out a helping hand or surprise her with something she hadn’t even asked for. He showed her what a homely life of sharing could look like, indulging in the small pleasures and rituals of daily life, which she somehow was oblivious of since she was always on the move. Before she knew it, she was hooked. And so was he. This proved to be a bad thing, because his demands increased and things got worse.

At the beginning B had some light jealous remarks, but M was flattered and didn’t think much of it. We need to stop being attracted to jealousy as a sign of love. Love is not possession and seeks what’s good for you regardless of your company. B was also passive aggressive, making rather hurtful remarks but in a joking, sarcastic way, so M didn’t take them to heart. Sometimes his reactions were weird, like giving her the silent treatment: removing his presence to punish her, to make her wonder and doubt herself. B would block her on social media rather than be open to talk about it if M did something that upset him or if she reproached him something. M was too happy about regaining contact to reflect that this behaviour was not ok. Other flirty behaviours with other women jumped at her as inappropriate, but each time she was gaslighted: making her doubt reality and subscribe to his.

M had not realised that actually she was spending all her time with him and this was why things were good. The first serious scene he made was when she went for a walk with her girl friends and two boyfriends happened to be there. Suddenly she was a woman who needed male attention all the time – in his eyes. According to him, M should not be in the presence of other men if he was not around. What??? This would have been a good time to set a boundary, but M was already attached and didn’t want to lose him. Instead, M started justifying herself and the situation. There was absolutely nothing to justify in this case. A man who is not happy where he is in life and doesn’t have enough confidence will feel like an impostor in his relationship, like he doesn’t deserve what he has, and feel threatened by other men. He will be so scared of being disclosed and paranoid, that he will isolate his partner from family and friends so that she doesn’t realise that her partner is an impostor. Equally, fear of abandonment can make someone extremely doubtful and jealous.

Yet, a long chain of justifications followed and inevitably, lies and omissions, to prove that she was a good girl and to maintain peace in their relationship. B seemed determined to prove her the contrary, as he did not trust women in general. Making the other person feel guilty or ashamed is a very smooth controlling and manipulation technique. Someone who loves you will trust you and think you are a good person by default, you will not have to prove it. They will empathise with your hardships, accept your choices and your past and forgive your mistakes. They will be curious about your past to find the best way to show you love, not to punish you for it. No one is entitled to judge you and your past because they weren’t there to see your struggles. M had none of this, no empathy, accusations got worse and worse, as her lies multiplied.

Her rich past, full of travel and adventure, was a threat and surely a collection of wordly pleasures to him. He devalued her achievements and soon the insults followed. He started comparing her to one of his exes to make her even more insecure and not good enough, only to find out later that he also mistreated and threatened her the same way. Since M also had not abided by some ideals of purity she herself had when she was younger, and since there were things she also regretted about her past, M easily gave in to his interpretations and ideas about her life. When you have a strong sense of self and values, you can easily see when these are not respected and you can find the strength to stand up for them.

All this diminished her confidence and self-esteem to the point that she no longer knew who she was and forgot that she did not want to live her life by B’s rules. He made her feel like a bad person if she did not do what he wanted or if she did not conform to his ideal of purity, while he himself wasn’t pure at all. Her lies made him constantly doubt her and occasionally push her boundaries: M would get questioned about her past that was none of his business to catch her off guard and he demanded answers when she was not ready, asked to check her phone to see who she was talking to.

He subtly tried to isolate her from her friends and passions and all men, why do you need them when you have me? They met at a social event but suddenly attending these events was dirty and shameful. A relationship is never about possessing someone fully, capturing their whole time and interests. It’s about sharing what we have in common, moments, and supporting each other’s growth, wherever that takes place.

It became more and more obvious that B did not take any responsibility for his experience or his actions. All women had lied to him and he was a victim. M sympathised and wanted to show him that there was hope – and ironically, she ended up lying too. The smallest reproach would cause an angry reaction. If he was hurt due to his interpretation of things, he would hurt back on purpose, immaturely. Emotional abusers twist things around and blame you for it. Slowly, you start caring for their needs and ignoring yours. You should not be in a relationship with someone who has a bad perception of the opposite sex: sooner or later they will include you in this category and treat you accordingly. Any baggage should be fixed before entering a new relationship. We should stop romanticising men who pose as victims of other women. We were not born to save anyone. We should stop blaming the other woman, but rather empathise with her: what could he have done that she behaved like that? Is this the truth or his interpretation?

Just as he wasn’t owning his experience, he couldn’t handle his own feelings, with bursts of rage. What M did not know is that she shouldn’t have engaged emotionally when someone is wound up, and communicate this clearly as a sign of self-respect. Instead, M lost control over her anger as well.

Why was she still there then? Couldn’t she see what was happening? It’s called trauma bonding. You get hooked on a chemical rollercoaster of dopamine and serotonin between a moment of love bonding and abuse. The passion felt at the beginning in the seduction phase is so strong that you want to relive it. Your brain is so wired to this cocktail of chemicals that this is the only way it can imagine love, often due to some kind of emotional abuse in childhood.

M was also overwhelmed by guilt and shame for lying and omitting things, things she would have never even had to hide or talk about in the first place in a normal relationship, like hanging out with a gay friend who was also just another man to B. M thought B was the most honest person ever who had been wronged by all women, her included, so she was trying to save him and prove him otherwise. He blamed her for his abusive behaviour, so M got to think that if only she behaved well, he would be back to his sweet self. Victims get trapped in trying to please their abusers because often they were mistreated as a child by their parents and in reenacting this situation they try to regain the affection of someone who is hostile to them. Supposedly M was the liar, but later found out a bunch of things B lied about or twisted. Someone who is pathologically jealous will always find a reason to doubt his partner and cause a scandal, sooner or later. His partner cannot cure him by behaving well. He needs specialised help.

B was so sweet and attentive to her needs most of the times, that she couldn’t see that he was disregarding and not validating her other needs and feelings – and her identity altogether. In a healthy relationship, your partner should hold space and validate your feelings whether they agree with them or not. Emotional abusers were probably never validated growing up and they learned this behaviour. Most likely they have abused their previous partners as well and they need specialised help to stop.

What have you done in the name of love to preserve it? M lied and gave up herself. Got so dragged in an identity that she didn’t want and wasn’t hers due to the demands that were made to her. The question should really be what should you not be willing to do for love? To forget about yourself and your needs.

This experience taught her to return to the I, to the awareness that she deserves to be respected and enjoyed fully, to her values like fairness, equality and freedom, to setting boundaries.

We teach people how to treat us. By tolerating a certain inappropriate behaviour, the abuse will just get worse and worse and happen again and again: from here to physical violence it’s just a step. The abuse we tolerate is a reflection of how we’ve been mistreating ourselves.

It is not our job to change, fix or save anyone. They are fully responsible for their experience and have to manage their emotions.

If you know someone who is going through emotional abuse, help them see the signs by telling them what a healthy relationship looks like, as described in this article. Help them stop blaming themselves but instead build self-love and self-worth. You might find their behaviour completely irrational for putting up with the abuse for so long, but don’t show this to them: it’s not you who have gone through the experience or their previous trauma. They feel already ashamed enough for not ending it sooner. Tell them to take time and focus on who they are outside the relationship and what they need from the other person. They should also reflect on what in them or their past called for this experience as the result of a need to learn, grow and heal and be grateful that this opportunity came sooner than later in their lives: were they selling themselves short? wasting their lives in relationships where they got less than they deserved without being able to break the pattern? had no boundaries? didn’t know who they were or their self-worth? had some unhealed childhood wounds that needed care?

It is in the nature of things to be drawn to the very experiences that will spoil our innocence, transform our lives, and give us necessary complexity and depth (Thomas Moore).

Encourage them to write a third person narrative about their situation so that they realise from the outside how unfair what is happening to them is. Be gentle and patient: what seems so obvious from the outside is not so visible to the one emotionally involved and they might relapse several times before they break loose. Sometimes therapy is needed, especially if there was abuse in their younger years: we somehow end up reliving traumatic experiences just to give ourselves the opportunity to give a different response.

Call him narcissistic pervert, obsessive compulsive behaviour, pathological jealousy, manipulator – regardless the label, the only way to escape emotional abuse fully is to break all contact. Accept that the abuser will never change, does not have the capacity to hold space for, understand or empathise with their victim’s situation. Activate the power of choice: choosing to protect ourselves and offer ourselves the loving future that we deserve.

The wound is the place where light enters you. Rumi

I recommend reading the psychological novel Life Without Panties by Lorelei Moore https://www.amazon.com/Life-Without-Panties-Psychological-Thriller/dp/B0CPJBC3C7 where she beautifully portrays how childhood conditioning can keep us trapped in toxic relationships, and the painful journey back to self-worth.

If you find my blog useful and would like to show your appreciation or support the free events I run on my online connection community Connection Weavers, you can make a donation here.

Too angry? Time for some boundaries

We often feel ashamed of our anger. But have you ever thought of anger as a force that drives us forward by making us reconnect with our needs and self-love, as a force for change? If our needs are not met over a longer period of time, anger builds up, and our self esteem and confidence drop.

This certainly happened to me with a criticising boss, over-controlling sibling, rude flatmate or certain friends who did not miss the chance to belittle or embarrass me. Then my work mate spoke about setting healthy boundaries in my relationships as a way to regain control over my life. Setting boundaries will make us feel more empowered, more in control of our lives. It will also make others respect us more as someone who stands tall and is not a pushover.

Poet Robert Frost once wrote that good fences make good neighbors.
Likewise, good boundaries make good connections, preventing empathetic
overload.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are rules that you set for your relationships to honour your needs and acknowledge that your needs matter: how people in your life treat you and how you respond when someone breaks those rules. The earlier you set them by speaking up, the better you will feel. We train people how to treat us and this happens by accepting a certain type of behaviour.

They say you cannot trust people who cannot say no because they are people pleasers and you never know where they stand.

We tend to think of boundaries as something external, but we can also internalise them by putting limits as to what we choose to do, who to do it with and so on in order to stay true to ourselves, our values and greater purpose.

How do you set boundaries?

Setting boundaries follows the non-violent communication principles: not attacking the other’s personality, but referring strictly to objective facts, our feelings triggered by the situation, what we want changed, and set consequences you are ready to follow through. Stating your boundaries also takes a good amount of vulnerability: discussing with the other person and openly acknowledging that their behaviour hurts you. Boundaries don’t necessarily have to mean drawing a line that separates us from the others, but rather lines that set a common space in which we walk together. The way we walk can be negotiated by both parties. Setting a boundary is like pulling the alarm that ça ne va pas or not ok and adding the now what. Start by thinking in what areas you need boundaries, what situations made you feel bad, how that behaviour made you feel, why it is important to have a boundary, what do you want changed and what consequences are you ready to follow through.

You are completely entitled to surround yourself with souls who make you feel good, loved and supported, and leave out the bullies, the criticisers, the energy vampires, those whose values do not coincide with yours and so on. It’s your life and you can equally choose what sort of activities you want to engage in. This does not mean being an inflexible prick, just having a strong sense of self and what you stand for. Boundaries are not to be confused with ultimatums or blackmail. They come from a place of self-love and respect for your needs, not from a wish to control others or create a blaming game where you pose as the victim. You are wired for self-love, so find your boundaries, no matter what. Do not waste your energy on hating the other, but analyse what the need for a boundary has to say to you about yourself. If others think you are overreacting, do not forget you are also entitled to be as sensitive as you are – just surround yourself with like-minded people who see in your sensitivity a gift and not an anomaly and who respect your needs.

Equally, setting a boundary does not mean that we need to close our heart in anger or resentment. If we pause for a moment and try to see that behind nasty behaviour there is someone hurt whose needs are not met, we can set boundaries but still keep our heart open in compassion. Tara Brach has designed a process called RAIN to embody compassion towards ourselves and others: Recognise, Allow, Investigate and Nourish.

One of the most frequent reasons that prevent us from setting boundaries is fear of rejection. What if there was no such thing as rejection, just a mere redirection toward where we are meant to be? When we show up authentically and someone does not like it, we know this is not good fit for us and we shouldn’t waste our time or energy on that front, but rather create space for more aligned connections to come in.

If your anger is out of control or becomes obsessive, do seek help as anger can be only a letter away from danger.

You should not feel guilty for showing yourself some love, reconnecting with your self-worth and looking after yourself. What boundaries do you need to set? or what boundaries have you set and how have they benefited your overall well-being?

I recommend reading the psychological novel Life Without Panties by Lorelei Moore https://www.amazon.com/Life-Without-Panties-Psychological-Thriller/dp/B0CPJBC3C7 where she beautifully portrays how childhood conditioning can keep us trapped in toxic relationships, what bottled up anger can lead to, and the painful journey back to self-worth.