Only the crazy and the lonely can afford to be themselves. Loners have no one to please and the crazy don’t give a damn whether they please or not. Charles Bukowski
When was the last time you were criticised or attacked and said to yourself: wow, this person really cares about me? Our usual reaction is probably more to contradict, prove we are right or counter-attack.
We all hold a dear image of ourselves in our heads, even if unconsciously, that we’d do anything to protect. When faced with our flaws, we might fear rejection and abandonment and might get defensive when criticised or accused of something. Yet, we all crave to reveal ourselves as we are and still be accepted and worthy of love. How to balance the two? And how to express discontent without breaking emotional safety or causing irreparable damage to the relationship?
Why do we get defensive?
- Out of fear of being rejected or abandoned if we admit to our mistake or shortcomings.
- Our self-esteem or ego is at stake: we might think less of ourselves if we admit to the criticism. We cannot bear to be told what is wrong with us. We cannot be less than a ‘good girl’.
- Unfairness: how can you accuse me of this when you did or are doing the exact thing, or worse? Why do you project all these things on me when this is not who I am?
- Ultimatum: we might not like to be pressured into talking about something we are not ready to talk about or threatened with consequences. People don’t change when they are told what’s wrong with them or pressured, they do it when they feel supported enough to undertake the change they already know it’s due.
- Fatigue of being responsible for someone’s feelings and reactions: how is this my fault? Can’t you regulate your own emotions? I do it all the time.
- Trivialising the other’s reality / lack of empathy: how can it be so important to you when it is not for me or us, in the greater scheme of things?
- Our core beliefs about, attitude towards and experience with criticism and conflict. Does conflict and criticism make you not good enough or inappropriate? Did you get used to putting things under the rug just to maintain a calm atmosphere? Or on the contrary yell and shout to get your way? Are you used to always counterattacking to get your point across than be in a listening mode?
- If I made a mistake I am a failure/ I will be rejected – this belief can be changed into If I made a mistake, this does not mean that I am a bad person unworthy of love, that the other thinks this, it is not a reflection of my character, value and worth, it’s just that my behaviour was incorrect temporarily but I can change it if my choices hurt the other.
- Good/ smart / capable people do not make mistakes, so admitting to a mistake means you are not good / smart / capable.
- I always have to be right – remember you won’t learn anything in life if you always need to be right.
- Giving in means the other will control me – try to replace it with: I will not be diminished if I admit my mistakes, but will grow.
- Conflict is bad – to be replaced with Conflict is an opportunity for growth, intimacy, mutual understanding.
- Assumptions about our interlocutor: they are a bad person who is after you to attack you instead of someone who wants the best for the relationship and you and is fighting for it in their imperfect way
- need to have the last word and prove ourselves. This might be the result of a childhood where we’ve been criticised a lot and no one gave us the benefit of the doubt, so if we admit to being wrong we lose face.
- A form of alexithymia, where we are unable to express our emotions, or just not used to soften into our vulnerability and speak from the heart. We may try to hide our true feelings deep inside.
NB: Sometimes defensiveness is justified. Pay attention to your interaction. Watch out for signs of abusive or pathological criticism eg over-jealous, over-controlling, over-demanding. We teach others how to respect us every day so it is important to set our limits. Consider if you are faced with irreparable incompatibility: this person will never understand your point of view no matter how hard you try, you are entitled to choose your environment and crowd for your peace of mind.
Why is defensiveness bad?
- We keep a closed mind and barrier to our partner’s truth so we are dishonest.
- Leaves the other person feeling misunderstood, unheard, frustrated, angry and resentful. Creates emotional distance.
- Keeps us from taking personal responsibility for our harmful choices, intentions and actions and makes it the other’s fault and problem.
- Keeps us from growing by ignoring our flaws and mistakes.
- It’s selfish and keeps us from putting our partner’s happiness above our own, which is what true love is all about.
How to de-escalate conflict
If in a sympathetic context and reassured, if there was emotional safety where we can be open and vulnerable, we would confess to what is broken within us. We actually want to admit to how broken we are and still feel worthy of love. There is a relief in AA meetings to finally say yes, I am an alcoholic, I am flawed, but I am here and I am trying.
What kind of language could you use so that the other one is less defensive? How to de-escalate when accusing or being accused? What plays a big role in the interaction?
- Choose timing and how you start carefully: for your relationship, your mutual growth, reassure of your love to fight the abandonment wounds eg I don’t want us to keep hurting each other, This will not change how I feel about you
- Create emotional safety by acting calmly to mistakes or lies at one end, and to criticism, at the other. This will create a pattern in your relationship and make it easier to have this type of conversation in the future. Accept both are flawed, the need to evolve. Be generous enough in our love so that our partner can admit when they are in the wrong.
- Voice your emotions: it softens your interaction. We are less likely to attack someone who is hurt.
- See mistakes and criticism as an opportunity to grow, to talk about deeper problems of the relationships and not let them build up by avoiding talking and just being passive aggressive. The point about relationships is not being right or defeating an opponent, no prize to win, it’s about helping each other grow and evolve into the best version of ourselves.
- Accept that you are not the same, but have different needs eg you always want to hug me, I have no space, or you don’t hug me enough.
- Non-violent communication: express facts without judgment – voice my feelings – my need that’s not met – make a request – integrate the other’s feelings with empathy
- Sandwich technique: positive-negative-positive eg You know how much I care about you, but that time you hurt me, but I believe our relationship can become even stronger if we talk it through.
- Pay attention to your body, focus on the breathing. When attacked, there’s adrenaline, cortisol, stress hormones, etc. Calm down first: do not discuss when all worked up eg This is not a good time to talk.
- Empathy: if I say this, what will the other one be hearing?
- Avoid generalisations eg you always/ never – consider nuances: do they never do it or just not enough or too much compared to your preferred frequency?
- Figure out what we are trying to achieve, focus on solutions and set boundaries.
- Do not put labels, stick to the facts eg you are a liar vs you lied yesterday
- Acknowledge the validity of the criticism and make the other person feel seen by repeating what they said or acknowledging how they may feel eg I understand that this made you feel…
- Be accountable: what role did I play in creating the issue, making the other act this way? Both parties are responsible for maintaining the relationship by examining how their behavior impacts the other person.
- Think of the long-term effects of your accusing or defensive behaviour over that relationship before acting a certain way ie destroying emotional safety, breaking trust or connection.
- Do a self check and work on core beliefs (see above): how is my self-worth? how much do I love myself? The more we feel deep down that we are not enough, intrinsically bad, invisible, the more we are likely to project ill intentions onto our partners, whether they are the accuser or the accused.
- Stick to the issue at hand, without pointing fingers to past mistakes.
- Assume that the other is at least 10% right and explore their truth and what could come out of it instead of rejecting it altogether.
- Make a habit of welcoming, not blocking or contradicting opinions. In tense situations we move straight into auto-pilot, so make sure that welcoming muscle is strong. Be a Yes Man! Avoid language But how about when you…? This is ridiculous! I don’t think so. Use inviting language: I can see how you would feel that way because… I am listening, tell me more. There is some common ground here. The part I agree with is. Ask open ended question to show you are in listening mode: what did you mean by…?
- Accept that the other person’s opinions and feelings are valid for them, come from their own reality, they are about them and their needs, not about you, and that they do not come as an attack to the type of person you are so you do not have to justify yourself. All you need to do is just listen without judgment, without formulating counter-arguments or reasons behind the other person’s behaviour, try to understand them and focus on solutions. Do not jump into deciding how you feel about what they are saying.
- Accept duality: we can be both great and make mistakes, this does not make us less worthy or a bad person overall. Think of the various parts of your identity in your love life, at work, in your family, and embrace both the good and bad.
- Would you rather be right than loved? The price of always needing to be right is emotional distance. Even if you emerge from a disagreement feeling righteously satisfied, you may still need to address the rupture in your connection, or it will turn into distance and resentment.
Automatic responses do not change over night, but bringing self-awareness and an open heart goes a long way. So next time when you are triggered, what wil you (try to) do? What is one thing you can do today to improve your relationship?
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Ariel 